Argh

I think I was to insensitive to what Mike said to me. He sad that I was a bond he didnt want to break…he started talking about his sister and how hes going to miss her but he still will love her. He said he was proud of the bonds he makes and keeps and that I was one of those. Then I said something all mushy which took me FOREVER to write. I even looked up love letters. How stupid am I? Really.

I always find myself tounge tied when it comes to expressing my emotions to him. I dont really ever know what to say. Theres just so much going on in my head but theres really not. Im so confused. Tell him. No. I cant tell him things such as this. He would think I was a freak. Or would he?

Maybe im to young and inexperienced for this sort of stuff? I dont really know.

I really like him. So much. Look at me typing a blog about him. I think im too insecure to care about someone, yet love.

Regina Spektor said it best:
“this is how it works
you peer inside yourself
you take the things you like
and try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you made
and stick it into some–
someone else’s heart
pumping someone else’s blood”

How can I do that? When I cant think of anything I love about myself? Thats it. I wonder why I cant do that? There is so many factors that could play into that. My upbringing, my confidence, past issues, current issues. Some how I dont feel as close to mike as I once did. Like that night at the park in ofallon. I miss those days, it was so sweet and innocent. Now it seems like all we do is bicker? Something isnt right.

Im having way to many conflicts inside myself to love someone. I cant tell him about them, I cant put my problems on someone else. A relationship is working together. Maybe I can tell him? Im just so used to being independent. I’m having so many troubles. I cant tell him this because he will think im to young. But hes my wonderwall.

AH! Ah! Oh my god.

This blog is like a cry for help. I just want someone to read this so very badly. Tell me what your thinking person? If i were to stumble upon this, i wouldn’t even care really. I guess that’s how everyone feels. They just don’t care anymore.

I love you Mike

Im so restless inside. I keep editing this to add more to it. Thoughts run through me like blood. I wish i could turn my brain off and just preform the simplest of functions. Its like i want to put all my thoughts to use and not a waste. Who says they are a waste? I do. Because Ive never told anyone about them.

SSSup

Life is good. I’m in a fabulous mood!

I decided I just don’t give a shit about what anyone thinks of me anymore. Not everyone is going to like me.

Promise Broken

Yep, so I didn’t update it yesterday. Oh well, no worries. I’ll just have to make up for it in this one. Which I doubt I’ll be able to do, simply because I’m listening to The Mamas & Papas, and they’re quite distracting. I think I’ll just make a list of things that are pissing me off and that are making me happy.

 Pissed Off:

1. Mrs. Patasik moving on while half her class was missing. I can’t catch up. I’m seriously about to give up.
2. Sam snickering when I said how old my boyfriend is. He’s twenty-one, and I’m seventeen. Sure, I’m still “jail bait”, but really what doesage mean? Seems to me like away to categorize people even more so than we already are. Sure, I’ll admit, whoever invented age is brilliant. But still, I won’t mature any more than I am now than when I turn 18. When I’m 25 I’ll obviously be more mature, but that is a while from now. Why is 18 so magical? Screw anyone who thinks four years is a lot.
3. Zoey Hill.
4. Spitzer. Who the hell does he think he is? Why did that idiot not think he’d get caught? Okay, let’s try to fix all corruptness, while I bang some prostitutes.
5. Scabs on my legs from ice skating and the mysterious one….
6. My grandma. I wish she would just chill. I do love her, very much, sorry I don’t call.
7. My PSAT score.
8. I’m tired, have to pee, haven’t replied to Mikeys message, I have a test tomorrow that I haven’t studied for. Calm down. Now to the happy shtuff

Happy:

1. Mike. He makes me so indescribably happy. I think I may be falling in love with him. I don’t realize how much I like him until we’re not together. I get so nervous around him. Maybe I’m confusing the nerves with happy butterflies? Even though I just said age doesn’t matter, it still effects the way I think of it all. He’s a lot more experienced than I am, but isn’t that good? I can learn from him. He’s so brilliant, I could talk to him for days. He’s fun too! He has almost the exact same views I do on practically everything. I get giddy just thinking about it. I keep hearing peoples voices in the back of my head saying “He’s too old Erin, just wait.” I wonder if he is thinking the same thing? But he’s so incredible. I feel like I hold back from him a lot though. I will want to say something to him, but I over think it. However, sometimes I think I’m too up front with him. Either way, I must be doing something right, eh? I can hardly get him off my mind, when I finally do I realize I wasn’t thinking about him, I start doing it again. I’m scared for him to meet my parents though. I don’t know why I am, my parents are pretty kewl folks. I will probably update this section later tonight. Since he’s always on my mind
2. My sister. For the first time in our entire life we are getting along. FINALLY. I can seriously trust her with anything. The most amazing part of it all is she has me number one on her myspace top friends. I remember when she first got it, I was like why am I not on your top friends and she said I don’t know. I didn’t even ask her to do it. AND AND AND, she put me in her heroes section. Here is a quote directly from her about me:
   “But I really don’t know where I’d be without my sister in my life. Shes the one to play the mom role when it’s needed & she keeps me in line. Shes amazing. The way she can make A mistake & learn from it, & know what she did is wrong truly inspires me! But I love more then just family. Life itself is golden. It’s the most magical, tragic, crazy, & breathe taking thing out there. Funny how love is the same way… Love is a HUGE aspect in life & without it you will get no where. “
   That made me cry with joy the first time I read it. She’s so great. I did catch her smoking cigarettes. That should probably go in the pissed part.
3. My family in general.
4. My grade are doing pretty good. Except for math, which is getting old.
5. I’m getting more limber
6. I drink a boat load of water. Could I be a water addict?
7. The fact that I updated this
8. Summer is almost here
9. So is spring break
10. I’m becoming a concert fiend! They are so fun.

Where’s summer?

I really don’t feel like updating this today, but I will because I promised myself I would.

Today was alright. I realized I let people get to me to much. If I’m happy with myself then I shouldn’t care what people think. I’m a good person to an extent, I don’t deliberately go out of my way to hurt people. Yea, I do plenty wrong, but I’m only human. Certain people really anger me though. Arrogant, ignorant, and rude people especially. Everyday in my math class, there are three boys who are so loud and annoying. I’m sadly the oldest one in that class, a grade or two above everyone. So I should get a little bit of respect right? No matter what I do, they always seem to bug me. It’s not just me they are bugging, it’s everyone. They really piss me off. Once one of them says something, they all agree. I normally mind my own business in that class, unless they pick on someone. For example: Yesterday a kid aimed a piece of wadded paper to the trash from his desk and then he threw it. One of the idiot boys deliberately put his hand out to block it from going in. The kid that threw it was like “hey man, what was that for?” and the idiot was like “what was what for?” and he kept denying that he did it. So I stepped in and was like “you should probably go pick that piece of trash up since you made it go there” the idiot boy then replied “i will not, he threw it” so the boy that threw it caved in and threw it away. What an ass right? Am I a bitch for disagreeing with him? I guess I am one because I called them the idiot boys.

Another time, in that same class another one of the three boys was saying awful things about one of my friends. She is a lesbian and she dresses masculinely. She wears boxers, not a big deal right? So he said “Dude, did you know she wears BOXERS?! What girl does that. Why would she do that? She wants to be a BOY!” so I calmly said “Well, would you rather her go commando?” That is an okay stance to take. Then of course, the others had to start in. “You know red, I think you try to disagree with everything we say on purpose.” said one of the boys. I was highly offended. I don’t say anything “bitchy” unless it is about my friends, family, or it’s something I feel strongly about. “Mind your own business, man. You’re so gay.” When you are two feet away from me, and you’re talking about one of my friends, it becomes my business.

I’m writing a paper in English. It is a persuasive about the no smoking in public law. My stance originally was to allow it. But midway through the paper I chose the opposite side. I really don’t know. That’s why I hate writing. It makes me think SO much. I can’t just scribble down stuff, I have to specifically get my point across. I think that’s why I was so hesitant to start this thing. Not like anyone reads it.

Bable

Why is it that music has such an impact on the way people think? Why do some individuals listen to music to help calm them down or to make them in a better mood? Why is music so entertaining?

Some people blame music for violence. I was opposed to this untill I actually thought about it. If you’re listening to music then that obviosly means you enjoy it, that its taking some sort of toll on you. How could music not affect what actions we take?

It’s so weird. I realize some lyrics hit close to home for some people, but what about plain beats? Why do we automatically assume that if it’s a high tune it’s happy? Or if it’s slow, then it’s sad? In the womb all we heard were mumbles, nothing could even be made out. I’m assuming what we heard was slow and deep. Wouldn’t sounds like that comfort us? Instead, it makes people gloomy.

I question things to much. I want to know it all. I want to be experienced in almost everything. I want to travel everywhere just to watch people and soak up other cultures. I love people. I enjoy observing people, watching for their intentions.

The town I live in has 2.000 citizens, that is the equivalent to some highschools. I want to continue growing as an individual and do more, but its so hard because of my age and location. There are a few benefits of living in such a small village, I suppose.

Im in a really weird mood right now. It’s awful. I watched the movie “Catacombs” tonight, it was a depressive dissapointment. I rented it just because I wanted a horror movie. A plain, easy to follow, predictable horror. Instead I got a twisted phychological gore fest. It was pretty good, but now I’m in a strange state of mind.

In the beginning

I’ve decided to start up a blog. I have fooled around with them before and they got old quick, maybe because I’m to lazy to actually update them. But this one will be different. I plan on updating this daily. I’m on the computer so often, why not keep an online journal? I spend most of my time on digg and myspace, the latter of the two being useless. I never really write out what I’m feeling.

I hope this is the beginning of something new. Ill write whatever is on my mind. This is a personal journey, I suppose. Becoming a better writer is something I would love to accomplish as well. I don’t care if anyone reads this, I just need some where to vent. Ya know? There isn’t a better place than here on the web, where one can do almost anything and remain anonymous.

My world, as of now, is amazing. No, not so much my “world”, because that is one messed up place, but my life that is contained in my body placed on this earth by means of which no one knows. I can truely say, that I’ve never been more happy than I am now, however there is still something that is missing in my heart. I can feel it. Like some one who can’t read brail. It’s like, the bumps are all there, but they don’t know what they mean, they’re just there. Pointing out the flaws in my life is so much easier than the good parts. But don’t I have to point out the flaws in order to know what is good? That’s another reason why I’m starting this. Hopefully, this will make me notice how thankful I should be.

Gary McSomething, a man from SIUC who’s job is to recruit highschoolers and inform us about stuff at Carbondale, talked to me and three other girls in my class. I was a few minutes late because I had forgotten about it until I heard the morning announcements. As soon as I walked in he asked me what my name was, I said Erin. Shortly after, he asked all four of us to say something unique about themselves. Here I am, with three of the most “popular”, “beautiful”, and “confident” gals in my 170 person school and not one of us four hand an answer. I was quite baffled. I honestly couldn’t think of something unique, I couldn’t even think of something good.  Gary then said something along the lines of “That’s where you girls are wrong. Each of you have something another person doesn’t. I go to several highschools a day and a majority of the people say they don’t know, blah blah. But I’ve got a secret for you guys. In order to succeed you’ve got to be proud of yourself and who you are.” That guy made me start thinking so much. Who knew that a complete stranger could completely change my outlook on life. Here I am just trying to get the scoop on a college and here he is changing peoples lives. I guess that’s why he choose such a career, eh? To top it all off, he was genuinely funny.

I already feel better, now that ive expressed some of my thoughts on to the world wide web. This is just the first entry.