Argh

I think I was to insensitive to what Mike said to me. He sad that I was a bond he didnt want to break…he started talking about his sister and how hes going to miss her but he still will love her. He said he was proud of the bonds he makes and keeps and that I was one of those. Then I said something all mushy which took me FOREVER to write. I even looked up love letters. How stupid am I? Really.

I always find myself tounge tied when it comes to expressing my emotions to him. I dont really ever know what to say. Theres just so much going on in my head but theres really not. Im so confused. Tell him. No. I cant tell him things such as this. He would think I was a freak. Or would he?

Maybe im to young and inexperienced for this sort of stuff? I dont really know.

I really like him. So much. Look at me typing a blog about him. I think im too insecure to care about someone, yet love.

Regina Spektor said it best:
“this is how it works
you peer inside yourself
you take the things you like
and try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you made
and stick it into some–
someone else’s heart
pumping someone else’s blood”

How can I do that? When I cant think of anything I love about myself? Thats it. I wonder why I cant do that? There is so many factors that could play into that. My upbringing, my confidence, past issues, current issues. Some how I dont feel as close to mike as I once did. Like that night at the park in ofallon. I miss those days, it was so sweet and innocent. Now it seems like all we do is bicker? Something isnt right.

Im having way to many conflicts inside myself to love someone. I cant tell him about them, I cant put my problems on someone else. A relationship is working together. Maybe I can tell him? Im just so used to being independent. I’m having so many troubles. I cant tell him this because he will think im to young. But hes my wonderwall.

AH! Ah! Oh my god.

This blog is like a cry for help. I just want someone to read this so very badly. Tell me what your thinking person? If i were to stumble upon this, i wouldn’t even care really. I guess that’s how everyone feels. They just don’t care anymore.

I love you Mike

Im so restless inside. I keep editing this to add more to it. Thoughts run through me like blood. I wish i could turn my brain off and just preform the simplest of functions. Its like i want to put all my thoughts to use and not a waste. Who says they are a waste? I do. Because Ive never told anyone about them.

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